The big 21… I’d like to think I’ve picked up a thing or two along the way.
Life is quite the tumultuous rollercoaster. There’s highs and lows. The good and the bad. But, I’ve learned that although it may not be easy, it may be more simple than we think.
Here are my 21 hot takes. Let’s dive into it:
You will be judged regardless
Who are you?
Who do you want to be?
If your answer to the second isn’t your answer to the first, who or what is stopping your current self from being the you that you want to be?
Get out of your own way. Do what you want. Be whoever the hell you want to be. At the end of the day, someone will always have an opinion, people will always talk, someone will always be in disagreement, there will always be sneers and stares- it’s all inevitable. There is no sense in living an inauthentic life simply because you fear what others will think, say, or feel. You can not please nor cater to everyone. I promise, you will be judged regardless of how you look, what you do, what you like, where you live, the shoes on your feet, or the price tag on your clothes. Do and be whatever sets your soul on fire, own that shit.
Dare to be, and be with boldness- unapologetically… Whatever that means to you.
2. Don’t take things personally
“Even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them. You know this is true. You may not be able to control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” — marcandangel
The sayings and doings of others are a direct reflection of them, not you. When we let the things people do affect us personally, we are inadvertently handing them a key on a silver platter to our control room- our mind.
Would you give a stranger a key to your house? Or better yet, allow them to go in, flip it upside down, take a few things, and leave you to clean up the mess? I take that back, I’m just going to hope and pray you said no…
When we take things personally, we are letting the words and actions of others control our minds, which inherently controls our lives. Words can be hurtful or off putting — only if you allow them to. Actions can too- again only if you allow them to.
Not a single person deserves the power of controlling your mind.
Don’t hand people the keys to your control room..
3. Your fear of failure is holding you back more than if you were to fail.
Let’s be honest… who would ever want to be humiliated or ridiculed. The thought of not being good at something at first attempt, that the person next to me seems to do with some sort of magic sorcery to perfection, just ruffles a feather or two inside. Not for nothing, I don’t know about you but my ego gets violently humbled each and every time I have experienced failure. Because of this, I noticed I was constantly avoiding it like the plague. The thought of what others may think of me, or better yet how I may think and feel about myself after failing is rather uncomfortable. And when we go through life avoiding failure, it’s almost as if we are protecting ourselves from being in that state of discomfort.
Realistically, failure is anything but warm and fuzzy. But, failure is a natural part of life. Life is not easy and quite frankly should never be… Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your wildest dreams. Stop being so scared to fail… just do. I don’t care what outlandish excuses your mind is making up for you. I don’t care how hard you think it is, or how many times you think it will take. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable and keep it movin.
Separate your sense of self- worth from your accomplishments. Recognize the cost of not trying. And remember, “excellence is not an act, but a habit.”We are what we repeatedly do. If you make an effort- large or small- everyday to work towards your goals and continue to get back up and try every single time you’re knocked down, your future self will appreciate you far more than if you never took the initiative to try.. Nothing will silence your fears more than doing the things you are afraid of.
Failure is not the enemy, it is your greatest teacher. It will never be easy, but it will always be transformational.
4. Kindness speaks volumes. So does authenticity
You can have it all- the looks, a successful career, the money, the finer things. But do you really have it all if your inner self is rather… ugly?
Hot take: having high character is everything…
I used to be easily “wooed” by the image of people on the outside, which most of the time left me quite disappointed as soon as I saw who they really were on the inside. It’s easy to fall victim to people’s facade- especially when you can’t see right through them.
Since realizing this, throughout the years it has become easier and easier to pick out the authentics of the world. And boy does it save so much time and again, so much disappointment.
I’ve reached a point where I simply can not and will not tolerate people who are not genuine and authentic. People who have two faces. Those who go about life with a stick up their ass. People who never have anything nice to say and those who are so quick to judge a book by its cover.
At the end of the day, I don’t care what you look like. I don’t care about where you came from or how much you do or don’t have. What I do care about is who you are on the inside. That to me is priceless.
People of high character will “woo” me every time, the rest is all background noise. I’d like to think most people would agree.
5. Not everyone deserves a seat at your table
Cultivate your circle. Protect your space at all costs. Be real, be raw, be authentic. Be open, honest and kind. But remember you don’t have to let everyone in.
Is someone adding more strife and stress into your life than peace and comfort?
They do not deserve a seat at your table.
Is a friend maybe making you feel less than or feel bad about yourself?
Your table is not for them.
Did that guy or girl you went out with just “ghost” you? Or maybe they’re not treating you how you deserve?
Sorry Charlie, your invite was revoked!
How about family members? Are they constantly tearing you down? Picking out your flaws every chance they get, or never failing to pass negative comments?
Table is full. You can go now. (just because they’re family does not give them a free seat)
Toxic co worker?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Any toxic boyfriend/girlfriend/friend/family/colleague/boss etc. ?
NO. SEAT. FOR. YOU.
You do not need to keep people in your life who drain you. If someone is draining any part of you- immediate revocation of their seat at your table. No if ands or buts. Simple as that. You can still be kind, and not accept bullshit. When people show you who they are, believe them.
There is power in privacy. There is power in protecting your peace. Not everyone deserves a seat at your table.
6. Stop waiting on someone or something to make shit happen OR make you happy
To be frank: it is never going to happen.
No one is coming. No one is going to miraculously drop from the heavens and show up at your doorstep with a glowing magical golden ticket in hand to whatever it is you are waiting for… But, if that does happen… call me… I will wave the white flag, with my socks knocked off and jaw floored.
But seriously… Stop asking for permission. Listen and act on your internal voice before waiting for the green light from others. Rely on yourself and build some self confidence. Fight for what you want and for what you believe in. You live one life, and that life is only yours to live. Take initiative. The perfect time will never come- the perfect person or something won’t either. You have the power to create and transform your life.
Take action. Create your own story with only yourself in mind- the rest will follow.
7. Be impeccable with your word.
Nothing fires me up more than people who say one thing and do another. Or even better, those who make promises and fall back on them- that one really burns me to my core. Stop being so careless with your words. Your words have meaning and they sure do hold power.
Side Note: “Be impeccable with your word” is 1 of the 4 agreements from the book, “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It was the very first book I read at the start of my self discovery journey, and to this day has left the most lasting impact. Give it a read if you can, I can promise you will not regret.
“Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.” -Don Miguel Ruiz
Say what you mean, mean what you say.
8. Never. EVER settle. and never. EVER. give in.
Remember that saying, “beggars can’t be choosers?”
A few years ago, I didn’t have many standards, or rather wasn’t very aware of them. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know my likes, my dislikes or quite honestly who I even was.
Today, it’s quite the contrary. I know every single little thing there is to know about myself. And through that, I was able to develop quite the carefully curated list of standards- a list I refuse to stray from and settle for anything less than.
I don’t care if it’s a friendship, a potential partner, a job, etc. With each new person, I bring with me my list and empty boxes next to each waiting to be checked off. If every box is not checked off, I won’t bat an eyelash before moving right along my merry way.
“Oh but what if only one box isn’t checked? What if that one box isn’t as important as the rest?”
Standards are standards. I know my worth and I know what I deserve. One box short of that would be someone or something paying one short of my value. And that is something I today will simply never allow myself to accept.
Side note: The reason I hold the people and things around me to such, isn’t because I think I am deserving or entitled to more than the next person. It’s actually the complete opposite. My list is the same list I hold myself to. To you, maybe my list falls short to yours, or maybe seems too extreme to others. No matter what it is, I believe that we shouldn’t expect more than we’re willing to give. If your list is one that you think you can uphold yourself, then I think it is rather valid to want those around you to uphold the same.
I used to think having high standards was a bad thing. People tell me all of the time, “You’re too picky”, “That’s too unattainable”, “Try lowering your standards, you might find more options.” and even more so when it comes to finding partners.
Your standards are never too high. Don’t let people make you think or feel otherwise.
When it comes to relationships:
I’ve come to not only enjoy but wholeheartedly love my solitude and independence. I am very much comfortable with simply moving to the beat of my own drum. I don’t feel the need or reliance on other people or things to make me happy, and that feeling has become such a superpower. When you eliminate the “need” of an outside source you eliminate the “begging” but still keep the choosing. I’d like to think of it as one of very few instances where you can have your cake and eat it too. It’s kinda empowering knowing yourself well enough to kindly* say “no” to the people you already know don’t or will not align with your being.
But with that, I’d be lying if I said temptation doesn’t come knocking at the door every now and then. Growing up and now adulting in the generation we live in, instant gratification is at an all time high. You can get anything you want nowadays with a snap of a finger or rather a swipe right- for better or for worse. It’s completely normal to want to act on your temptations. You are human. Temptation is brutal there’s no doubt about it. But to me, leaning into those urges and knowing I’m going to come out of it with something very… very short of my expectations and standards, is even worse. I rather have to fight an urge, than turn back on a promise I made to myself- that I will never accept anything less than I deserve.
Your standards don’t have to look like mine. Your standards may look completely different and that is entirely OK.
Whatever your definition and list of high standards may be:
never. EVER. settle… and never. EVER. give in.
9. Curiosity is a superpower
Think back to when you were a wee little kid.. You probably asked “why?” enough times to make your parents look up where the nearest highest building was. Where did all of that curiosity go? Somewhere along the way we stopped asking questions, we stopped trying to learn and expand our knowledge.
When I was younger, I had to know everything. Whether that was questioning people and the things I heard them say, or questioning how things work- the functionality and mechanics of the objects around me… I was a sponge that wanted to absorb anything and everything. I loved learning, and I loved knowing every detail about the things that sparked my interest.
As I got older, my curiosity became near nonexistent. Where did it go? No idea. Maybe it was a mix of feeling ashamed for questioning everything, having my curiosities shot down time and time again, fearing asking a “stupid” question, or even just simply thinking I now knew all of which I wanted to know- so I thought… Whatever the reasoning was, my sudden lack of curiosity was hurting me more than helping me.
Curiosity stimulates the mind. It keeps it active- like a workout for your brain.When we question everything, we stop taking life at face value. Where is the fun in accepting things as they seem? My curiosity has reached such an all time high that I now find myself deep diving down rabbit holes of research for hours on end on the most random things that I never in a million years would have thought I wanted to learn/know- most recently, aircraft carriers and their catapult systems…. don’t ask… But it’s peaked so much so, I decided to double major in engineering. My curiosity has almost become an obsession- for better or for worse (we’ll get into that later)…
Being curious is like playing a game- not only can it be insanely fun, but it’s challenging and even sparks competition sometimes.
Dig deeper… Ask who, what, where, when, why, how? Get on into it. Curiosity allows us to unlock parts of not only life but ourselves that we never knew existed. You’d be surprised how much you learn about yourself and what sparks your interests as you start becoming a more curious person. Be inquisitive.
10. Leave home
Go. Friggin. EXPLORE. Be CURIOUS. I don’t care if that means taking a road trip an hour or two away to a new place. Or traveling to a new state, or foreign country. You will never find what you’re looking for if you stay in the same spot your whole life.
And before you bring finances or time into the mix… let me stop you right there. If you use your finances as an excuse to not go explore, get your priorities straight. Same thing when it comes to time.
How much money do you spend on a cup of coffee everyday? Make your coffee at home every morning, you’ll have roughly $180 by the end of the month to spend on travel.
How much time do you spend doing mindless things everyday? Go look at your screen time quickly then come back and tell me you don’t have enough time. You will always have and make enough time for the things you grant high importance to.
Maybe you’re not sucked into your screen everyday, let’s say you work a full time job. I promise if you sit down and evaluate your time and where each minute of your day is spent, there is no doubt in my mind you’ll be able to find a solid chunk here and there to set aside for exploration- if it’s important to you…
Not only do I think it’s essential to travel, but I think it’s even more important to leave home to go LIVE in an unfamiliar place.
Back in 2021 I decided to up and leave my family, friends, and everything I’ve ever known to go live in Spain by myself. I wouldn’t have the mindset I do today if I didn’t take that leap of faith. It was uncomfortable. It got lonely. To be blunt, it fucking sucked… a LOT. Being 19 at the time, away from my support systems, having to navigate situations I never thought I’d be in- quickly, calmly, effectively. Having to get comfortable in solitude, having to communicate with others in a language I didn’t understand how to speak at the time, having to be conscious and aware of my surroundings at all times, having to take full responsibility of my decisions and actions. I had no other option than to simply get comfortable with the uncomfortable…it was HARD. It felt like I was constantly being tested and tried. Life was chewing me up and spitting me out, one reality check after another. But in retrospect… I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.
I experienced things money could never buy. I met people, extraordinary people, that I never in a million years thought existed or I’d get to meet. I learned about others, and how their cultures and ways of life differ from mine. I heard a million stories, I shared a million laughs. I learned the importance of patience, and how to get through tough times without my friends and family nearby to come swoop in to the rescue.
Above all, I learned myself inside and out. Something I never knew was so incredibly crucial and VALUABLE in all corners of life.
I’m not asking you to move to a foreign country, but to- at some point- move somewhere unfamiliar. Whatever that place looks like to you, however it can fit into your life. Even for a little bit. A month or two could even suffice. Somewhere you don’t have your support systems easily accessible. Somewhere you are exposed to new people and experiences everyday. Somewhere you feel discomfort. If you do, come back and try to argue that it didn’t change every nook and cranny of your being…
Go explore, leave home.
11. Stop comparing yourself to others
“Comparison is the thief of joy that makes you compare your blooper reel to everyone else’s highlight reel- and then feel too ashamed of your own work to put it out there because you’ll never stack up”
We are all on our own journeys. Yours will not and should not ever look the same as the person next to you. Same goes for comparing you as an individual to another. You are you for a reason- everyone has their strengths and weaknesses- accept what you are and what you are not.
There’s immense beauty in uniqueness- as individuals along with our paths in life.
12. Don’t expect to receive more than you are willing to give.
That would be quite contradicting, and rather hypocritical.
I would go as far as to say you should give more than you expect to receive…
13. If you don’t know your worth, you will always be underpaid
To be of high value, one must first know how much they’re worth. This goes for not only careers but relationships too.
Figure out your value, and never accept anything less than.
14. It’s OK if you don’t like/find joy in the norms
There is no shame in not finding joy in societal norms. Don’t feel pressured to fit into the box of the majority. There is nothing wrong with you for going against the grain.
15. Stop complaining. Find solutions.
Take some responsibility. If something isn’t working for you, take a trip back to the drawing board and evaluate any gaps or where things may have gone wrong. Come up with solutions and implement. Life is hard, trust me I get it. But cut the bullshit, stop the moaning and groaning.
Whining won’t get you any further than the place you’re in right now.
Be assertive, take action. That is what will bring you far.
16. Your thoughts create your reality
“We create with our consciousness. What we think about, pay attention to, focus on, and choose to believe… whatever goes on in our mind, is what becomes our reality.”― Anthon St. Maarten
Your mind is more powerful than you think. What you think, you then become. When we change our thinking, we change our life.
17. Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing
Being selfish doesn’t always have to be so insulting. Selfishness only becomes bad when you are always* acting off of your needs without any consideration of others.
Prioritize yourself. Your well being- emotionally, mentally and physically- while sparing others of hurt and pain from your actions.
18. Don’t ever let someone tell you who you are
We’ve all run into the kind of people who like to tell us something along the lines of “I know you better than you know yourself.”
False. No one should ever know you better than you know yourself. Nor do they ever. You know who you are. Do not ever let someone tell you otherwise.
We’ve also all run into those who like to tell us what to do. People who always want to give you their two cents. Unless it’s someone who you genuinely value hearing their opinion, take people and their sayings with a grain of salt. And if they persist- if it’s one comment after the other, always negativity and nothing positive…
I’ve come to learn that telling people to simply “fuck off” from time to time, wont make you any less of a kind person… OK maybe not literally, but you catch my drift.
Remember what I said about your table. They do not deserve a seat. Do not let anyone ever tell you who you are, and do not let anyone ever dictate your life.
19. Listen more, speak less
At the end of the day, you nor I know it all. There is always something to learn from someone or something. Practice listening more and speaking less. Not only will the people you’re speaking with appreciate it more, but you may come to realize you’ll learn a thing or two.
20. Treat your time like it’s your most prized possession
You are valuable. You are worth more than you may think… and so is your time. Start acting like it!
Use your time wisely, and try not to lend out your time too often to things that are undeserving.
21. Stop and smell the roses
I hear this one nearly everyday from my wonderful and wise momma- the woman may be onto something here…
This is one I struggle with most. I tend to get obsessive. Specifically with things relating to school, my career, and my future. I’ve spent the last few years trying to figure myself out. Remember what I said about curiosity? This is where my curiosity has become a double edged sword.
The second something sparks my interest, I again just get obsessed. I will spend hours on end every single day until I feel like that spark is fulfilled or complete. But along the way, I end up putting everything else on the backburner- for better or for worse. Let me explain.
I’m currently enrolled in college pursuing a degree in Computer Science and now Mechanical Engineering. A month ago it was just Computer Science… Well, let’s just say my curiosity led me to long hours of massive amounts of research, connecting dots, crossing t’s and dotting i’s, ultimately leading me to make the decision to also pursue engineering- something I think I subconsciously knew my whole life I would end up falling into one way or another.
How is this double edged? Well, through this I get so wrapped up in my routine, my curiosity, working hard toward my goals, etc that I forget about all of the other important parts of my life. I end up neglecting my friends and family way more than I would like to admit. I get so into these interests and goals that I’ll forget to call back for days or weeks on end. I won’t answer their messages and I won’t make time to see them. Not only that but I won’t even make time for myself… I don’t let myself stop and smell the roses.
I struggle with balance. a LOT. I have it so engraved in my head that if I take a minute to use as downtime, and not use it towards disciplining myself and working vigorously towards my goals to create a better future, that I’m never going to get ahead and I’m never going to achieve everything that I want to. Realistically this is so far from the truth.
If you can’t stop, make time for you and those you love and care about, make time to have some fun and let loose every now and then, and more importantly cut out time to maintain a good emotional, mental, and physical well being… Those said goals will start to suffer simply because you are burning yourself out.
It’s OK to be obsessive with your work. It’s OK to want to perfect your craft or whatever it is you are passionate about. But make sure you’re stopping along the way, and setting aside some time to also put some work into other important areas of your life. At the end of the day, the goal is to be happy. It’s very hard to maintain happiness if you can’t create balance.
Stop and smell the roses- whatever that may look like to you.
Here’s to 21. Cheers!
xx,
Jack